A Battle

“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand.” — Robert Valett

Think.  Think.  Think.  I’ve been thinking too much.  Some days my head takes over and leaves my heart to be nothing more than an organ that pumps blood and keeps me alive…. alive cause I’m still breathing, but dull cause I am not feeling.  Ok, truth is, I am feeling.  Feeling things I don’t want to feel.  So I suppress them.  The more I suppress them, the more I think.   The faint voice in my heart softens into a whisper that I can barely hear.  Little did I know that that voice was always a soft whisper…. She never screams.  She never yells.  She never bullies Her way in.  She waits.  patiently.  She whispers softly… waiting for the moment I am ready to hear Her…

One quiet day, I hear Her.  My mind doubts her.  But She never does.  The conversation continues.  It becomes a battle.  A struggle.  My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another.  This time, before I did anything, I decided… which one is better?  My head or my heart?  

Today, I chose my heart.  I will let her lead.  I will begin the day with love in my heart.  Peace in my mind.  I will stretch and expand Her beyond what She can express, perceive, understand and feel.  She will touch not only those to whom she can give it easily, but also to those who need Her love so much. 

I am listening… I trust Her.  

image: http://weheartit.com/entry/17948292

Fear Not

FEAR NOT, a bracelet I received from completing level 2 Baptiste Power Vinyasa Teacher Training.   What does it mean?  To me it reminds me to face my fears, whether it’s riding that big dipper roller coaster, confronting a friend, or how about a not so obvious fear like fear of success?  Yes, fear of being successful.  Do you know how many people are afraid of being successful?  Here’s the test:

1.  Do you think you are not worthy or deserving of reaching such an accomplishment even if you did?

2.  Do you think “it’s still not good enough” after achieving something?

3.  Do you think you’ll still be unhappy after accomplishing that “big” thing?

4.  Do you think if you achieved this thing this time, you’ll set too high of a bar for next time and you think you won’t be able to do it again?

5.  Do you think being recognized for your accomplishments is a waste of time?  Or does recognition make you feel uncomfortable?

6.  Do you think people won’t like you anymore after you become successful (you know envy is such a bummer)?

7.  Do you think after you’ve achieved your goals that you won’t grow anymore and you’ll become even more bored?

8.  Do you feel guilty when people help you become successful?

9.  Do you think for every success you win, you’ll be doomed with double the failure because you think a good luck streak just doesn’t run forever?

10.  Do you think when you accomplish something it’s because ‘you’re lucky?’

Chances are you probably answered ‘yes’ to at least one of the questions above.   Honestly, I said YES to all of those at one point.  Even some days I doubt my abilities.  I have many dreams that I am working on making come true, but along the way my progress gets hindered because of all the “what ifs” and what if I did make my dreams come true?  What would it be like then?  How will I be then?  Will I still continue to grow?  Isn’t it very ironic how anyone would be scared of success.  I have good news!  You’re not the only one who secretly feels like this from time to time.  It’s a sad thing but definitely a reality that “we” shine more light on our failures and down falls rather than celebrate our accomplishments… celebrate “US” just the way we are.   So it’s a wonder that we blush a little when someone gives us an honest praise or we have the need to feel guilty about our success because everyone else seems to be suffering and failing.  We don’t want to boast our own accomplishments and make the other person feel worse.

So how to overcome this?

Accept yourself.  Give others credit.  Honestly praise others for their success and celebrate their victory without a drop of envy or judgement for your lack of [fill in the blank].  Give yourself permission to shine.  Give others permission to celebrate you and your victory.  Commit to your goals and be present for them 110%.  Allow room for adjusting if current commitments aren’t working.  Committing 110% doesn’t mean you don’t have to stay married to them.  And of course, just allow, allow, allow… Allow your heart to open.  Allow your mind to open.  Allow your eyes to open.  FEAR NOT

On a side note: Are you afraid of entering the photo contest cause you’re afraid of having a little fun?  Are you afraid people might think you’re weird while posing in the middle of a intersection?  Are you afraid of winning because you’ve never won anything before?  Are you afraid to tell your friends about it cause you’re afraid they’re gonna win?  Are you afraid of posting a comment because you think you won’t have anything ‘cool’ to say and you’re afraid that the surprise raffle is not gonna be worth it?  I know you’re reading.  I see the blog stats LOL.   Hmmmmm…. apply one more thing:  Tell yourself you deserve to win! You’ll have something awesome to say, even if it’s “I agree.” You are gorgeous and you will look gorgeous in that pose.  It is a little risky.  You will be risking a little success and fun for a great cause… in the name of YOGA!  Now get to posing!  I want you to win!  It’s cool stuff.  I promise.

Don’t know what the heck contest I’m talking about?  Read HERE

One of my favorites from Michael Franti:

This Week’s Inspiration

How can anyone find patience with a hormone blasting 3 year old boy going on 18?  My son will be turning 4 in several weeks and it feels like someone flipped the light switch overnight and he started growing pubic hairs.  I’m convinced that 4 year olds are the actual terrible twos (or rather f*ing fours to be exact) that every parent dreads.

This stone wall hanging I found at the OM Gallery in Santa Cruz needs to be turned into a 4T t-shirt that he can wear to help remind me to be patient and support his curiousity of pushing my buttons.  It resonates so true though.  When the boy starts to act up and I feed his tantrum with anger, it turns into a whole day of things gone wrong.  Most of the time, he just needs some extra TLC and before I know it, he’s back to his sweet loving self.  Although sometimes it feels good to just have a tantrum along side him and then we both laugh about it later.

The saying of “it takes more muscles to frown than to smile,” is exactly that.  It takes more energy and effort to stay mad, sad, or angry than to just let it go and be happy.  The argument of how many muscles it takes ranges from 64 muscles to frown and 4 muscles to smile to 33 muscles to frown and 13 muscles to smile.  In either case, we can experience the slight shift of attitude from frowning to smiling.  And no, just cause it uses more muscles to frown, it doesn’t burn extra calories… although you could probably get a good ab work out by laughing til you cry.

S M I  L E     It makes people wonder what you’re up too

To Love Is To Risk Not Being Loved in Return

To love is to risk not being loved in return.   How you love others is a reflection of how you love yourself.  Is your love for others true?  Is it a “I love you because you love me?  or “I love you because I have no where else to go?  or  “I love you because it’s convenient for me?”  You must love yourself before you love another.  You can’t give away what you don’t have.

As you delve into your practice and begin to peel away layers, you start to tap into your inner most being where true love resides.  This doesn’t happen by chance or luck, you have to create it.  How can you create self-love?

1. “You know who you are, but know not who you could be.” (Shakesphere)

Honor who you are, exactly the way you are right now.  This is your true self.  You may not like it right now, but be present to it.  Also honor who you are becoming.  You are constantly reinventing yourself and finding your true power and growing into a loving being.

2.  Universal love is all around.

There is an abundant amount of love everywhere.  The universe is made out of love even when things and people don’t seem that way.   We are open vessels of energy.  Just open yourself up to receive.  Your spirit is naturally of love and sometimes our feelings are shadowed by our experience.  “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” (Teilhard de Chardin)

3. Forgive.  Forgive.  Forgive.

As the layers peel away, you will uncover past failures and wrong-doings.  These experiences  what hold us back from true love.  You are afraid of repeating the same mistake over and dance around the periphery like walking on egg shells.  Self forgiveness is not only the highest form of self-love, but also the nectar of true power.  When you own your failures and mistakes, you gain wisdom and growth.  These failures can no longer control you and we can experience to our hearts desire.  By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence will exude love, joy, and happiness.

Take the risk and love big! If you fail, you’ll fall within the arms of universal love.

Me poem by 8 yr old from http://www.funny-poems.co.uk/valentines

Breathe Like You’re Alive

Just because you can breathe doesn’t mean you’re alive or that you’re living your life.   By the way, how’s your breath right now?  How many times a day do you actually appreciate your inhales and empty your exhales?

I was at my acupuncture visit this saturday and realized how many of us breathe as if we were dying gasping for air.  The treatment rooms are like cubicles.  They’re private with doors  but the ceiling is not enclosed so conversations, or in this case the gasping for air, in the next room are heard.  It sounded like a father/son appointment.  I could imagine the horror on the son’s face as the doc told him not to worry because it’s like brushing your teeth; you don’t want to do it, but it’s good for you.  Doc proceeds to treat him and starts poking the needles.  I could hear the boy grunting and grinding his teeth.  Doc tells him to breathe.  The boy starts to breathe heavy and almost could start to hear a little ujyaii breath going on.  But before his breath could become soothing, he started to sound like a dying darth vadar.  Doc snaps at him, “Don’t breath like your dying!” Only then the boy snaps out of his panic state and realizes that he is alive.  The grunting subsides and I could finally relax into my treatment.

A couple breaths into my surrender, another patient enters another nearby room.  She’s babbling away telling the doc her aches and pains until she runs out of breath.  Doc just says, “ok, lie face down.”  I love this doc.  He sees so many people who just procrastinate and have small talk to try and avoid their treatment.  She’s asking him how many needles she’s gonna get and how bad is it gonna be compared to last time.  He tells her he’s gonna take it easy on her today and that she’s gonna get only 6 needles in her feet.  The woman is in shock, “are you freakin’ kidding me?”  (Those were her exact words.)  “Nope. Only 6 today.  It’s good for you,” says doc. I felt bad for her because the needles that go in the feet are the most painful.  But once you get past what seems like an eternity but is really only several seconds or so of pain, it’s a great release.

Be blessed today and breathe in gratitude for the opportunity to feel.  Feel the breathe.  Feel the pain.  Feel the happiness.  Feel the joy.  Feel whatever it is that comes up.  Feeling is knowing that you’re alive. So act like you are and don’t be afraid to live.

Take a big breath in and s-i-g-h-hhhhhhh.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Emotional roller coasters are far from the adrenaline rushing theme park ride.   They are exhausting!  To start it off, my sweet tooth led the way when I got inspired by Domestic Dharma’s blog on chocolate peanut butter cups.  Looks simple and DELICIOUS!  Off to get the ingredients.  While strolling at Whole Foods, I found some coconut flour and decided to experiment with the recipe.

I was trying to keep the chocolate vegan and raw so I used cacao powder.  Didn’t end up using the cacao nibs because the cholocate mix was already too powerful. The peanut butter was freshly grounded from unsalted roasted organic valencia peanuts (the best!). Coconut juice was used to mix the cacao powder and coconut flour.  I was getting worried when the mixture turned out to be look and feel like a brownie batter… but then again what’s wrong with brownie batter, eh?

It didn’t exactly come out the way I wanted it to, but it was sure tasty.

Chocolate bottom with peanut filling on top

Tah-dah!

Move over reese pieces

Next batch will be just plain melted chocolate with no coconut flour.  The texture was not quite right as it did feel like a brownie.  Needless to say, the kiddos and I got our serving of antioxidant flavonoids for the day.

Clean up is even more fun

After several helpings of these guiltless pleasures, I topped the evening off with some great yoga from a new teacher I’ve never taken.  She kicked my asana!  This is where my roller coaster takes a big dip!  We talk about emotions and up until this class, I’ve been high on some cacao flavonoids until fear kicks in.  Handstands!  Drop backs (from handstand to the wall)! Partner handstands!  Partner drop backs.  Did I say drop backs and handstands?!  I thought I’ve gotten over the letting go of upsidedownness fear phase but it started to stir in me again.  I knew it but I didn’t want to know it.  Before my fear got a grip on me,  I laughed in the face of my fear and was able to let go and experience it… or maybe it was the cacao flavonoids that gave me the umpf! power to try it.  It was actually fun and comical.  I guess yoga did it’s purpose to help me laugh.

Once the chocolate high wore out, I begin to feel the effects of my emotional roller coaster.  I am fully aware of how my emotions have such a profound effect on my body.  I naturally try to “control” my emotions so they won’t manifest into pains in my body, but the more I try to control them, the worse they get.  There is so much truth in the saying that “in order to heal, we must feel.”  Emotions are real.  They won’t go away unless we experience them.   Being under the influence of several dark chocolate peanut butter cups, I was up in my head about “I can handle this” and decided to stuff down my emotions. “Oh no you won’t,” says Miss Universe thing.

I had the most dreadful nightmare last night.  My emotions playing out in my dreams.  I dreamt I was going to get killed.  I had 5 hours left to live.  My killers followed me around like a shadow while I frantically made my arrangements to have everything taken cared of before my death.  Before I would die, I’m awaken by my alarm clock 5:30am.  Get ready for class!  Ugh!  With the dream fresh in my head, I google “killing in dreams” and before finding the results I already knew what this dream meant.  There were several variations on the meaning of this dream but this one really hit home:

“To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off.  You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.” (www.dreammoods.com)

7 of the 20 or so needles

I am scared but I will laugh because if I can’t be my authentic self then I might as well be dead.  So off to the acupunturist to open up my channels and free my blockages.  This has been the most painful acupuncture visit in my entire experience.  I was pretty effed up.  I felt like a human pin cushion with needles at the base of my neck, up and down my spine, forearms, and feet.  The 7 on my ear came home with me and had to stay on for 2 more hours.

After releasing some emotions today, I am completely exhausted and am skipping my asana practice.  Tonight my practice comes in the form of compassion (aka needing rest) and just feeling what I’m feeling and letting them go.. otherwise more needles on saturday… yikes!

Stability is Over Rated

“Widen your downdog,” says Baron at my very first intensive class with him.  Widen my dog?  Huh? A wider stance brings more freedom to the spine but less stability to the pose.  If you had the choice between freedom and stability what would you choose? This question stuck with me since taking my first Baron class and I often ask myself this over and over not only in my poses but also in my life.  This is the very question that gave me the answer and courage to leave behind my high tech career and jump started my yoga teaching journey.  I continue to ask this question with the intention of finding happiness again.  Lately my teaching has been feeling like a J-O-B.  In doing some reflection, I’ve come to realize that I am once again struggling between freedom and stability.  Teaching at least six classes a week provided some stable income (at least on paper).  But why is it that the more money I make, the more miserable I am and more broke I feel?

So I’ve come to grips with letting go of two classes and taking a loss with the paycheck.   As soon as I surrendered my stability, I instantly felt this weight off my shoulders and feel like I have a sense of freedom back.  There is an amazing power to surrender.  Stability is over-rated!  There are bills to be paid and responsibilities to take care of, but these should not dictate how we live our lives.

Gaining my freedom from dropping two classes will definitely rock the bank, but I am choosing to be adaptable during this change.  The Universe seems to agree too because while at Jasmine’s book fair today, I picked up a book by Eric Carle and turned to a story titled “The Wolf and the Dog” and it goes something like this:

There’s a poor and hungry wolf that met a well-fed, well-groomed dog.  The wolf says hi to the dog but the dog is disgusted by his filthy clothes.  The wolf went on to compliment the dog’s nice outfit and plump cheeks and points out that the dog clearly doesn’t know what it’s like to starve.  The dog says he works for a master who takes good care of him.  The wolf wants to work for the dog’s master too he says.  The dog says his master is looking for more help if the wolf can be a watchdog.  Sure says wolf. As they walk to the master’s house, wolf notices something around dog’s neck. It’s a collar says dog.  Wolf asks, “what’s a collar for?”  Dog explains that watchdogs are often tied on chains outside their master’s house. Wolf immediately decides to turn around and thanks the dog for the offer.  Wolf says he would rather be hungry than chained up like a slave.

Stability is over rated.  Freedom is the greatest gift.  It is the path that leads to happiness.

[Un]Happiness

Unlimited possibilities has been a common theme for me these past few days.  For awhile I was feeling the effects of the law of attraction.  Get what you want by wanting it really bad.  The morning was filled with excitement because I was gonna be a student and take a yoga class for a change.  Sweet little studio tucked away in Sunnyvale (Yoga @Cindy’s).   The place isn’t the Taj Mahal of yoga studios, but it was simple… just the way I like it.  I haven’t practiced in front of a mirror for such a long time that just looking at myself was quite an adventure LOL.   Class was just the right amount of challenge for me today being that my appetite was more challenged because it was noon and the smell of bread from subway lingered in the entire space.. it did make ujyai breathing much more sweeter.

You know how bad news happens in threes?  Well I think it’s the same with good news and happiness.  Just when I was enjoying my yoga high, someone pisses me off and ruins the entire rest of the day!  After the anger and frustration subsides, it gets boiled down to this:  we are ultimately in control of our own happiness.  The problem is that the very thing we want called happiness is the ultimate source of our unhappiness.  I wanted to hold onto my yoga high and I wanted to share it with the next person I would see and in this attachment I fought to defend my happiness which quickly resulted in my unhappiness.  I didn’t have to get angry or take things personally.  I didn’t have to own their feelings and feel responsible for the way they felt. But I did.  Oops!

Sometimes even the best adventures turn sour