A One Word Resolution

Happy New Year!  I’m back on the grid and ready for lots of blogging and sharing this year…

image: weheartit.com

2011 was surely a roller coaster ride with lots of love and broken hearts, successes and failures, proud moments and disappointments, new friends and old friends rekindled but mainly lessons galore. I can’t keep track of the number of lessons I’ve encountered (some still in progress of being learned).  All this was driven by one word I choose to live by in 2011.. that word was “risk.”  Some notable risky things I did (risky meaning out of my comfort zone with no excuses and facing my fears, especially the silly ones):  hitched a ride from a total stranger in Wisconsin,  left the U.S. for the very first time by myself, learned how to swim by trying to drown myself, putting myself up on youtube (gah!), conquering my fear of handstands (yay! I can do it without touching the wall.. now gotta trick my mind to go away from the wall), looked love right in the heart even if it meant breaking out of it’s shell, stood up for myself even though I was rubbing people’s feather’s the wrong way and mostly challenging my own way of doing things the same ‘ol way.  

As I dragged my feet through the holiday’s, I could not come up with a new word for 2012.  I thought and thought.  Tried and tried.  Until one morning, I was hiking at my favorite spot with a friend and we were talking about what we wanted to accomplish in 2012.  I said, “I’ve been thinking about my word and I can’t seem to nail it.”  As we walked up the hill, I could hear my breath heaving and it occurred to me that I try too hard!  And I swear to you, I heard a whisper and the voice said “freedom.”  

The view at Castlerock near the end of the hike. I wanna feel free like that climber.

I blurted it out loud, “FREEDOM.”  A sense of ease swept over me.  I was trying so hard to come up with the perfect word and now the perfect word chose me.  How will I be more free in 2012?  Mmm.. let me count the ways:  giving myself space to just let go of control, stop trying to control outcomes, letting go of fears (yes there’s more of them), being in flow and flux with more ease and faith, ohhh faith.. that’s a good one, inviting faith into my life, freeing myself from guilt… practicing forgiveness (of others and especially of myself), giving others freedom by allowing others to be just as they are (this is a good one!), freeing my psyche of past debris and repetitive thoughts, living and loving in the moment.. let’s repeat that one, living and loving in the moment. 

I’m exicted to have FREEDOM guide me in 2012.  Do you choose a word?  What are your resolutions?

Here’s a recap of my favorite posts from 2011:

Jan:  Would You Laugh If

Feb: I Get To

Mar: Condoms, Duct Tape and Rope

Apr: Touch Me, Squeeze Me, Hug Me

May: Triumph

June: Thank Goodness It’s Monday

July: Another Year Older and Happier

Aug: Life Right Now

Sept: Leading With Your Heart

Oct: Lessons Learned

Nov: Shit Happens, Regardless

Dec: The Space Between

Feeling much gratitude for you for reading, sharing of yourself here, and walking this journey with me!!!  

Pain Is the Price We Gladly Pay

My mentor, Philip Urso, told me this back in february, “Pain is the price we gladly pay not to be free.”  Ok, makes sense.  I am choosing to suffer instead of experiencing what’s on the other side which is of feeling free,  joy, happiness, and love. 

I am just beginning to understand the dept of this saying.  Look at your life.  Ask who and what rules your life?  Rules that other people have created for you?  Guilt?  Fear?  Pain? Previous experiences?

These are all true for me.  People build their whole entire life around avoiding feelings of guilt, fear of losing control, fear of pain, fear of all sorts (you name it, it’s there).   Yes, this inner turmoil is painful, but some how this pain becomes acceptable.  We get so skilled at maneuvering around the unknown that the things that are on the other side of guilt, shame, fear, and past experiences looks far more scary and painful than the internal suffering we’ve choosen to stay in. It’s scary to step outside of this suffering because it could be much worse.  We start to push people away.  We retreat back into that space of uncomfortable comfort.  We hide.  We deny ourselves the possibilities of something new and go back to our old habits.  Mostly we let our mind bully our hearts around.

Take for example, last night during my practice, I told myself I was going to practice my handstands again.  I really didn’t want to.  I was tired, but I let my mind bully me around.  The voice says, “stop being a pansy-ass sassafrass!”  In reality, I just wanted to kick myself in the butt because I’d gladly pay for the external self inflicted pain than to free myself from the psyche of my mind.  I didn’t want to face the internal struggle I’ve been having.  I’ve escaped the reality that was right in front of me.  I paid a price to keep my suffering that now has not only been magnified, but now I’m at war with myself.

How does one break free?  It seems to be a simple choice.  Suffering is optional. 

I’m beginning to learn that if I continue to fight with my human feelings, I cause more self inflicted pain.  So what to do?   I’m learning how to relax… relaxing with all emotions and coming face to face with those ones that make my heart tremble.  Then instead of contracting or avoiding the pain, I watch it.  I make myself available and willing to be present right at the moment my heart tightens and pain and fear rears it’s ugly head. 

This time, instead of paying the price and building my life around it, I am consciously willing to pay the price, and watch it pass. I will be willing at all times, in all circumstances to remain conscious in the face of pain and to work with my heart by relaxing and remaining open.

image credit: brasspetals.com

No Internet and No More Nose Pickers

sip sip sip

Today is the day after I challenged myself to be without a computer and the internet for a whole day… I failed miserably.  It went fairly well in the morning until my plans to go enjoy the outdoors was rained on by mother nature.  Now what to do with a 4yr old on a rainy and windy day with no computer, no internet, no tv?  We get back to basics: board games, books, and what rainy day would be complete without a cup of hot tea?

Ok that fun lasted for a couple of hours and keep my mind off the work I needed to do online until my phone rang for the first time.  This is what I see when I answered the call:

So tempting to check the mail

I  felt like I was being tempted by a dark chocolate bar.  Perhaps the next time I do this challenge, “no phone” would be added to the list.   I’m glad to say I didn’t give in (yet that is).   And it paid off cause after another hour or so passed, the rain passed and we saw this beautiful rainbow over our backyard:

This would have been missed if my nose was buried in a computer

Thanks Mr. Sunshine.. now off to the backyard to work on the garden:

So far so good… kept busy in the garden for 4 hours cleaning off the tan bark and prepping the soil.

After dinner, as the day settles, I am reminded by all the things I needed to do online and a map that I needed to get for the next morning.  I also remembered an email that I was suppose to respond to.  Now I wouldn’t have jumped on the computer to send that email but I have a pet peeve of doing something or being somewhere if I’ve already committed to it.  It’s rare that I will break my word if I’ve given a definitely “yes, I will do it or yes, I’ll be there.”   That’s my story and I’m sticking to it

The thing is once I was online, it was hard to not check on anything else.  I guess that’s how the internet “wastes” our time.  In hind sight though, being offline for a day really back logged me.  I had so much to catch up on today that it felt like it was not worth it to go without for an entire day.  It is possible to live without the internet, but I would prefer to live with it.  It saves me time to not have to go into the bank.  I can pull up a map within seconds and don’t have to carry around a paper map that I can hardly navigate.  It connects me with people I would have never met if I didn’t facebook.  I can send the grandparents a picture and video of their grandkids.  Oh and all the online learning programs and activities for the kids… I heart the internet.  It’s convenient therefore freeing up more time for me to be doing other things.  (now you know the tricky part is to pry yourself away when you’re done doing what you’re doing online so you can go do other things.)

On a side note…

Everyday this week while stopped at a red light, I’ve had nose picking sightings by the driver to my right.  It wasn’t your sniff sniff rub the nose cause it itched.  It was more like digging for gold.  Today was the golden day though.  While at a red light, I see in my periphery vision a digger.  As I turned to look, he flicked his booger out the window.   I am filled with gratitude that my car has AC and my window was not rolled down.  Eeewwwww!   What are you trying to tell me dear Universe?  I am keeping my eyes fixed on the red light the next time I stop for the rest of this week!

photo from week long symposium on the future of nose picking http://syntaxofthings.typepad.com/syntax_of_things/2007/08/sot-announces-w.html

Stability is Over Rated

“Widen your downdog,” says Baron at my very first intensive class with him.  Widen my dog?  Huh? A wider stance brings more freedom to the spine but less stability to the pose.  If you had the choice between freedom and stability what would you choose? This question stuck with me since taking my first Baron class and I often ask myself this over and over not only in my poses but also in my life.  This is the very question that gave me the answer and courage to leave behind my high tech career and jump started my yoga teaching journey.  I continue to ask this question with the intention of finding happiness again.  Lately my teaching has been feeling like a J-O-B.  In doing some reflection, I’ve come to realize that I am once again struggling between freedom and stability.  Teaching at least six classes a week provided some stable income (at least on paper).  But why is it that the more money I make, the more miserable I am and more broke I feel?

So I’ve come to grips with letting go of two classes and taking a loss with the paycheck.   As soon as I surrendered my stability, I instantly felt this weight off my shoulders and feel like I have a sense of freedom back.  There is an amazing power to surrender.  Stability is over-rated!  There are bills to be paid and responsibilities to take care of, but these should not dictate how we live our lives.

Gaining my freedom from dropping two classes will definitely rock the bank, but I am choosing to be adaptable during this change.  The Universe seems to agree too because while at Jasmine’s book fair today, I picked up a book by Eric Carle and turned to a story titled “The Wolf and the Dog” and it goes something like this:

There’s a poor and hungry wolf that met a well-fed, well-groomed dog.  The wolf says hi to the dog but the dog is disgusted by his filthy clothes.  The wolf went on to compliment the dog’s nice outfit and plump cheeks and points out that the dog clearly doesn’t know what it’s like to starve.  The dog says he works for a master who takes good care of him.  The wolf wants to work for the dog’s master too he says.  The dog says his master is looking for more help if the wolf can be a watchdog.  Sure says wolf. As they walk to the master’s house, wolf notices something around dog’s neck. It’s a collar says dog.  Wolf asks, “what’s a collar for?”  Dog explains that watchdogs are often tied on chains outside their master’s house. Wolf immediately decides to turn around and thanks the dog for the offer.  Wolf says he would rather be hungry than chained up like a slave.

Stability is over rated.  Freedom is the greatest gift.  It is the path that leads to happiness.