Living on the Edge of Fear

… fear of not being good enough, not popular enough, not yogic enough… fear of what other people might think… fear of failing and making a fool of myself. 

Someone once told me, “be a little scared.”  

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Fear can be paralyzing.  It can be stressful.  It can even prevent you from experiencing life to the fullest.  Think about it for a moment…

How many ways does fear motivate you to stay in a comfortable safe zone or prevents you from experiencing things, relationships, situations?  I bet if you look closely at all your actions, fear has something to do with it. 

Often we associate fear with a negative feeling.  This blocks us.  But fear is not all bad.  The familiar  fight or flight mechanism we naturally have  can save our lives in threatening situations.  So fear has a potential for being a good guy.  

What if the next time you come face to face with fear, you turn all that energy (because it takes a lot of energy to summon up this emotion) into a good guy?  What if you can look at fear as a big ball of excitement… ready to burst into creative energy… into possibilities… into your next big thing that will make your heart pound and the hair on your skin stand up.   That’s a place where I want to live… right at the edge of fear.

This time I won’t get paralyzed.  I won’t hide behind it’s face.  I won’t give up.  Instead, I will laugh and bring it along for the ride. 

That’s exactly what I’m doing.  I’ve entered a video contest for a chance to be able to teach at a big yoga event, the Wanderlust Festival.   I need your help! Please click on the link below to watch my video and vote for me by LIKE’ing the video on Wanderlust’s facebook page.  

Click below for the link to the video:   

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=3024066489568&oid=82363965333&saved

Go ahead and let yourself be a little scared.  It’s a good feeling if you let it be.  Otherwise life becomes dull.

P.S.  Make sure you like the video and not just the post.  FB is kinda confusing that way… 

P.P.S.  If I make a fool out of myself, I’d still be happy because I would’ve made you laugh.  

Naked Yoga

It’s been a week since I’ve been back from my vaca to Maui and I have lots of things to share, but apparently writer’s block has hit me… so I thought… ok it was more like I used writer’s block to stall on writing what I’ve been wanting to share… a very memorable and terrifying experience I happen to chance on.  The fear is still haunting me as I write this post… so here goes.

I was determined on this trip that I would face another one of my fears and go sky diving. Well long story short, there were no more launch points on Maui… All the sky diving in Hawaii is done on Oahu.  I was somewhat relieved that I could chicken out of this agenda.. but the better part of me didn’t let me off the hook.  So the next closet thing someone suggested was parasailing.  Nope. Turns out the season is closed for parasailing due to whale migration.  And the next closet thing is zip lining.  Nope.  All sold out.  There was nothing left on the whole island for me to come face to face with my fears… a part of me was relieved…

Until we stumbled onto Big Beach in Makena.  

Over looking Big Beach in Makena Maui

At the end of this vast crescent shape beach is a cliff.  We saw people coming down and people going up.  I asked one of the guys going up what was on the other side.  ”Another beach called Little Beach,” he said, and “it’s clothing optional.”  

My heart starts beating and I could hear myself say, ‘no way!’ but another voice triumphed and I saw another fear bubble up.  I was almost irritated that sky diving wasn’t available as I would’ve opted for that option instead. So being the fear conquerer that I am, I dragged my friend up the cliff with me. 

There was a mix of people.. nude, clothed, old, young, men, women.  No one seemed to give a hoot about anything.  People minding their own business or perhaps they were trying to mind their own business because if you didn’t you’d probably break public nudity protocol.. that is maintain eye contact and don’t talk to anyone.

A naked meditation

So much for protocol!  A nude man and his wife came over to talk to me to offer his service to take our pictures for us.  WTF!  He broke two protocols!  I politely declined.   Not long after that, another man comes over to talk to us and asks permission to take my photo while I was posing for my yoga graffiti.  WTF! again?!  I soon realize that there are no protocols… I made them up to cover up my fears… like I made up my “writer’s block” symptoms so I didn’t have to post about this experience. 

I didn’t even know I had a fear of being nude in public until the situation presented itself.  I sat there for a long time before I decided to go for it. I could hear in my head the debate I was having with myself.  ”Why are you so scared?  Just do it!  You’re never gonna see these people again.  You have a beautiful body.  No I don’t.. I hate my butt.  People will laugh at my funky tan line.  No they won’t.  Yes they will…”  Yak yak yak these two voices debated in my head.   

At the moment I witnessed myself having this debate, I chose to let go.  It sounds cliche, but it felt liberating.  It was a meditation like no other.  The tension melted.  The judgements dissolved.  The voices stopped.  I was in my body.  In my heart.  In my own business like no body’s business.  Completely present. It was pure joy.

Purely Padmasana

 

Yay! for nude beaches!  Check! another fear crossed off the bucklet list!  Hmmmm… nude yoga class next?  LOL 

Pain Is the Price We Gladly Pay

My mentor, Philip Urso, told me this back in february, “Pain is the price we gladly pay not to be free.”  Ok, makes sense.  I am choosing to suffer instead of experiencing what’s on the other side which is of feeling free,  joy, happiness, and love. 

I am just beginning to understand the dept of this saying.  Look at your life.  Ask who and what rules your life?  Rules that other people have created for you?  Guilt?  Fear?  Pain? Previous experiences?

These are all true for me.  People build their whole entire life around avoiding feelings of guilt, fear of losing control, fear of pain, fear of all sorts (you name it, it’s there).   Yes, this inner turmoil is painful, but some how this pain becomes acceptable.  We get so skilled at maneuvering around the unknown that the things that are on the other side of guilt, shame, fear, and past experiences looks far more scary and painful than the internal suffering we’ve choosen to stay in. It’s scary to step outside of this suffering because it could be much worse.  We start to push people away.  We retreat back into that space of uncomfortable comfort.  We hide.  We deny ourselves the possibilities of something new and go back to our old habits.  Mostly we let our mind bully our hearts around.

Take for example, last night during my practice, I told myself I was going to practice my handstands again.  I really didn’t want to.  I was tired, but I let my mind bully me around.  The voice says, “stop being a pansy-ass sassafrass!”  In reality, I just wanted to kick myself in the butt because I’d gladly pay for the external self inflicted pain than to free myself from the psyche of my mind.  I didn’t want to face the internal struggle I’ve been having.  I’ve escaped the reality that was right in front of me.  I paid a price to keep my suffering that now has not only been magnified, but now I’m at war with myself.

How does one break free?  It seems to be a simple choice.  Suffering is optional. 

I’m beginning to learn that if I continue to fight with my human feelings, I cause more self inflicted pain.  So what to do?   I’m learning how to relax… relaxing with all emotions and coming face to face with those ones that make my heart tremble.  Then instead of contracting or avoiding the pain, I watch it.  I make myself available and willing to be present right at the moment my heart tightens and pain and fear rears it’s ugly head. 

This time, instead of paying the price and building my life around it, I am consciously willing to pay the price, and watch it pass. I will be willing at all times, in all circumstances to remain conscious in the face of pain and to work with my heart by relaxing and remaining open.

image credit: brasspetals.com

Silly Fears

Riddikulus! Expelliarmus! and Stupefy!  are common words in my household.  My two wizards live in a world of magic and wonder.. especially when they need to disarm a big hairy spider that they’ve found in our backyard jungle.  When we visited the Academy of Science last week, I can’t help but want to bust out my magic wand and cast the riddikulus charm.  

In case, you don’t have any wizards in your life and aren’t Harry Potter fans,riddikulus is a spell used when fighting a boggart (a shape-shifter that takes on the form of its intended victim’s worst fear. It likes to hide in dark, enclosed places, such as closets and cabinets).  Riddikulus forces the Boggart to take the appearance of an object upon which the caster is concentrating. When used correctly, this will be a humorous form.  — wikipedia

If the hair on my arms had legs, they would run off my arm as we approached the bugs and insects in the live rain forest area of the museum.  

creepy crawly

Now tell me that doesn’t make the hair on your arms stand up?!  Funny thing is these were in a glass case.  I still wanted to say riddikulus and turn this creature into a colorful butterfly.  So we ran like silly monkeys thru this area of the rain forest.

In retrospect as I remember many of the fears I’ve overcame are pretty ridiculous.  There are some fears that are still a work in progress.  Some silly ones:

1.   spiders even if they’re in cases

2.  public speaking

3.  snakes

4.  public toilets

5.  not having enough money

6.  dogs

7.  drowning

8.  earthquakes or any natural disaster

9.   being alone

10.  leading 3 om’s and then forgetting how many we’ve om’ed because I was so mesmerized by the sounds and end up om’ing a 4th one by myself

They’re all pretty silly but can be pretty real and paralyzing for some people.  But I can say I’ve experienced all of these and they weren’t as scary as my mind made them to be… especially if you can stand back and laugh about it.   #10 was especially comical

What silly fears can you laugh off?

Announcing…

Remember when I said I was busy brewing up some really exciting stuff and I couldn’t say anything until it was ready?  Well it’s ready!!!!  Well the first part of part one….so you can say this is Part 1A

Podcasts from iTunes

I’ve really done it this time… pushed beyond my comfort zone and this time I find much excitement instead of fear.  Ok maybe a little fear, but I’m so excited (blush blush and embarrassed teehehee) to broadcast into cyberland.  Check me out on iTunes!  I’ve made available a podcast of my classes recorded live!  These are unedited so expect giggles and laughter, sighs and corny talk BUT most of all be prepared to sweat and end in a deeper sense of serenity.  Of course this is all FREE!!!

If you take my classes, I would love to hear what your experience was.  Of course since the classes were live, I’ve tried to explain poses as best as I could for the podcast listener.  It is a work in progress so any feedback, comments, and suggestions would help me grow and deliver many more quality podcasts.  A rating in iTunes is even better and would make me swell with gratitude.

To access these, search for “Power Yoga with Nikki Wong” in iTunes.  Subscribing in iTunes will ensure you receive the latest episodes.  You can also download them to your mobile device and practice anywhere, anytime.

You can also just click here and play them off this page:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/power-yoga-with-nikki-wong/id406922016

That’s all for now!!!  Part 1B is still brewing so stay tuned…

How To Video: Drop Backs

Ahhh it’s “fall back” (yay! for one more hour of sleep) here in the U.S. and literally falling back in this week’s video.  The year is almost over and I’ve faced nearly every fear I have in my practice.. not to say that I’ve conquered them yet, but on my way for sure!   I can bet that 9 out of 10 yogis will have some sort of fear around dropping back into urdhva dhanurasana (upward bow/wheel/back bend pose).

Physically it looks kinda freaky (if you’ve seen some bendy person do this) and it’s definitely freaking scary.  Thoughts of falling on your head or breaking your back or even worse breaking your ego flashes across your mind.  In that split second of thoughts, you’ve begun your mental breakdown where you come up with a long list of excuses, listing every reason why you can’t do it except admit that you’re scared.   Symbolically, dropping back can represent our past and every terrifying thing about our past. We try so hard to not bring up the past that we often forget to experience the present moment for what it is.   I’ve learned that the best way to let go of the past is  to allow myself to truly experience it with my full awareness and observe my experience as it is.  As this happens, the grip that the past has on me begins to loosen and I can better have a grip on my present moment.  It is so relevant the old saying that sometimes, “you have to take two steps back to go one step forward.”  So here goes… dropping back… (FYI prior to this taping, I’ve already completed a whole practice so be clever and make sure you’ve done some warm up before attempting)

A quick update on my 30 days of yoga and gratitude challenge:  I am sore all over.  You’d think I would not be sore since I’ve had a regular practice, but at the end of the first week of this challenge, I’ve noticed how much more engaged I am in my practice.  With heightened awareness on my breath, my movements, and the sensations, I’ve definitely found new edges to explore.  Perhaps that’s my ego’s determination to rise up to a challenge or just that I’m having some fun with what might be an old boring pose that I’ve done a million times.  What ever it is, I’ve been grateful for an awakened body (aka sore body).
Disclaimer:  This blog is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for a qualified yoga instructor. The author is not a medical doctor and is not responsible for any consequences regarding your use or intended use of any information provided on this site. Always check with your medical professional or seek out a trained yoga instructor in person.

I Wanna Live Upside Down

You’ll often hear me say  “suck up those hamstring hammocks” in class when we are in a low lunge with the back knee off the floor but today I did not heed my own words as I placed my hamstrings on a hammock in a yoga class… an Unnata Aerial Yoga class.

I’ve been really good about keeping my 30 day yoga challenge so far and thought what a great way to end the week with a fun, relaxing and easy (so I thought) practice other than power yoga.   I was in for a big surprise.  I had no doubt that I would enjoy the class, but for some reason, it didn’t register in my busy mind that it was going to be physically challenging.  I mean I knew it was going to challenge me in other ways because you all know I have fears of all sorts.

The Yoga Studio (yes that’s the name of the place) just opened in Campbell, CA by Pik Chu Wong (another Wong!  why wouldn’t I check it out?    This is what I’m greeted with as I enter the studio:

My favorite colors! A beautiful array of soft silky fabric hanging from the ceiling.

I’m feeling a little nervous mixed with excitement…. something like anxious fear meeting inspired and can’t wait to look like the girl in the painting:

The practice is really as beautiful and graceful as this painting

We begin with some centering and breath work on our mats and warming up in the hammock and then holy crap, say hello to those hamstrings and inner thighs as we come into warrior 1 and warrior 2 poses.  It brings on a whole new meaning of not having “hamstring hammocks.”  The hammock immediately tells me where to engage more to stay stable.   The success of the poses does not demand my strength as much as my willingness to surrender.   “Effortless effort,” is what Pik Chu calls it.  It was a deep connection for me as the fabric portrayed exactly what my philosophy is: strength with serenity, effort with ease.

I felt like a kid hanging upside down on the monkey bars.  I even did a flip upside down to right side up… or something to that effect because being upside down for a long period of time took me to another world.  It really shifted my perspective on so many levels.  I left class feeling renewed, relaxed, and the kink in my shoulder went away and has not bothered me once today.  I feel several inches taller and lighter.  The best part was savasana in the hammock.  It was like being in a cacoon.  The entire fabric snuggled my entire body from head to toe.   I felt like I was on a cloud and the view to the ceiling was pretty amazing as the delicate silk gathered together to enclose me.  It was the deepest savasana I’ve had in a long time and I didn’t even have to kick my asana that hard to get that “ahhh I’m so wiped out now that I don’t have a hint of energy left to even struggle in savasana” feeling.

 

pigeon variation

I thought it was going to be similar to acro yoga, but I love it more!  I can’t stop thinking about it and want to carry a hammock in my yoga mat bag… I want to live my life upside down!

 

Cirque du soleil next?

Risk

Lately I have been finding myself thinking and talking about risks a lot.  The last several classes I’ve jibbered about taking risks on the mat.  For many of us that could be as simple as digging a bit deeper into sensation.  But it’s not really that simple.  I pose the challenge out to students to squat deeper in uktasana or bend the front knee deeper in warrior 2, most people don’t move.  “Go deeper,” I tell them.  A few move.  “Ok, now go deeper.”  A few more move.  “No, really dig deep!”  I go over and give an assist.  Holy crap!  That person moved like 10 more inches deep into her warrior lunge.  She giggles.   “Wow!”  I said, “you didn’t know you had that much space to move huh?”  She shakes her head with amazement.

This is so normal.  We’re afraid to take risks and feel a little, a little burn in the quad.  We’re afraid of crow because we don’t want to fall on our face.  We’re afraid of falling.  Period.  We’re afraid to take risks and laugh out loud because we don’t want other people to laugh at our snorting laugh.  We are afraid to take risks and find happiness because we’re unsure what that is suppose to look like.  Think of everything you do and I am willing to bet that many of the things you do are done because you feared something would happen if you didn’t do that thing.   Consider this:  we are so afraid to take “the” risk that we risk our own happiness and would rather suffer in a low grade misery than put ourselves out on a limb.

Try this.  Practice taking risks on your mat.  What’s the worse that can happen?  Maybe you’ll get a chiseled badonk and now you’ll have a badonkadonk…. what a great side effect, eh?  Ok so what if you fell down and smashed your nose.  It wasn’t that far anyway.  The best thing that will happen is you’ll learn where your edge is for next time.   There’s a saying that the best learning is done when you’ve fallen flat on your face… literally!

A risky situation? Or just a really really good upcroc... err updog assist?

As for me, I’ve been thinking of some major life changes for me that will effect those around me and it scares the crap out of me.  There’s another saying that if you want something so bad, you know you’re gonna get it if gives you goosebumps and raises the hair in places you didn’t even know you had hair.  I think it’s time to get a new razor blade!

Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to others is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing.

The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
they forfeited their freedom.

Only the person who risks can be free.

(-by someone really really wise)

Zip Lining

Majestic trees at the bottom of the 2nd zip line run

Acrophobia is not the fear of acroyoga… but it is the fear of heights.   I wouldn’t say my fear of heights paralyzes me, but it beats the heart out of my chest.  Unlike many people who get a twinge of anxiety from leaning over an edge, I get a surge of anxiety.  But this time around, instead of avoiding it, I put myself right smack in the middle of it…  zip lining above the jungles of Kauai.  CRAZY!!!

I purposely go last so the 10 others can test out the rope.  Thoughts race through my mind.  Is the rope strong enough?  How long is the fall?  What if I can’t breathe.  What if I get caught in a tree branch.  Ridiculous thoughts race through my mind.  The first, second, third, fourth, fifth person goes and no one has screamed once.  OMG.  I’m gonna be the only one screaming and making a fool out of myself.   OR the ride isn’t that all exciting.  Hmmmm

My turn…

I SLOWLY step to the edge.   I’m suppose to do what!?  Hang my toes over the edge before I jump!?   I grip the poles.  I think my knuckles turned white.  The tour guide reminds me to dive forward instead of straight down otherwise I may bump my bum on the edge of the cliff.   I get a giggle attack cause it seems that’s the only way I can breathe.  And I’m reminded to take a big slow breath.  At this point, I wish he would’ve pushed me off.  “Dive like you are jumping into a swimming pool,” says the guide.  “What?”  I say.  Swimming?  Now why would you bring up swimming cause “I can’t swim,” I yelled as I dove off the cliff.  He giggles.  I giggle.  Bursts of laughter.

The hardest part of meeting a challenge is taking the first step.

Nothing like yoga to calm my nerves after zipping

hmmm sounds familiar.. the hardest part of beginning a yoga practice is often stepping on the mat

(good thing Darren didn’t video the next run where we had to fall backwards off the cliff… OMG!! LOL)

If you ever go to Kauai, look up Outfitters Kauai for a great adventure!

I Left My Heart in Kauai

The only place where people actually mean aloha when they say "aloha"

Hello Reality!     Kauai was AMAZING!   My new favorite Hawaiian island.  Nothing to do.  Nowhere to go.  But bask in your beauty!  Here’s to a week of musing about my vacation.

This year and certainly this trip was all about facing fears.  A quick list:  giant water slides, zip lining, snorkeling, hiking, commitment and separation.  To sum it up, Kauai was everything that could’ve gone wrong went wrong.  Everything that could’ve been better, was perfect.  My patience was tested.  My presence was challenged.  For the first several days, I felt so angry about the unfinished escrow business I had to deal with, the waits, the phone calls, the wasted time, and the plane delays!  Did I mention the plane delays?  Ugh!

Nothing a little sun and love couldn’t solve.  We celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and renewed our commitment.  I don’t know whether I was just struck by cupid’s arrow or was love struck by Hawaii’s beauty, but everywhere I looked, I saw hearts in the sky, in the ocean, on the land, on the beach, in people’s eyes.

I knew this was gonna be the best trip ever! See the hearts?

Love comes in all shapes and sizes

You can even find love even when you feel gray.

so perfect!

Two hearts joined together.

A trip to Waimea Canyon, the Grand Canyon of the Pacific, swept my breath away and along with it all the worries of the world.  I could’ve spent days at this grandeur place of beauty, looking for my jaw for it dropped way off my mouth.  It truly is a dramatic sight to behold and the pictures just don’t do it justice.  We barely covered this place on foot with a 2 hour hike from the top of the mountain at 3,500 ft.   And they had camping grounds here!  Oh!  How I wished time stood still for me to sleep under the canopy of trees and hear the ocean roar from the distance.

The ride to Waimea

I wanna hug these trees

See the heart in the Canyon? See the white line thru the center? It's a water fall! Oh Kauai, my heart cries for you!

A sure beauty to behold

More hearts.

The lucky people who live at the bottom of the canyon

My favorite spot: Napali coast seen from the top of Waimea. There is no separation between ocean and sky. I wish I could float around on these clouds.

Our hike down the mountain

I went for the ride of my life on a zip line tour and was tickled that there was someone else there more afraid than I was   Snorkeling was interesting as the tides were pretty rough during the afternoon.  I couldn’t sneak in a swim lesson before we left so I was a little nervous about stepping into the ocean’s womb.  The first humuhumunukunukuapua’a (that’s not a mispelling… it’s the Hawaiian state fish) fish I saw reminded me that I could breathe thru the snorkel mask.  Duh!  Oh the way fear has a grip on us! To warm up, I went on this crazy water slide.  I think I eat my stomach for lunch.

The Island Racer

Pronounced humu-humu-nooku-nooku-ap-u-wah-ah photo credit: http://www.spanyolingatlan.hu

The most challenging fear to face was of course leaving the kids for 3 nights with their grandparents on Oahu.  Only a mother knows about separation anxiety.  To make it difficult, there were families everywhere having fun with their kiddos.  The consolation prize was being able to make the first foot prints on the beach in the early morning and claim my space of sand to practice yoga on.

Poipu Beach - where the water shimmers like glass in the morning

looked like some flower petal that blew off. See the heart?

Look what the ocean spit up. She is full of love.

The next fear on the list to face is surfing.  Darren faced his fear and long time wish to take surf lessons.  He did.  He surfed. He conquered.   Then he busted his knee.  Tore his MCL.  And crossing our fingers he didn’t tear his ACL.  Was it worth it?  YES!  he says and can’t wait to get back in the water… with me! 

Before the big wipe out

Despite all the fun… I’m glad to be back home.  Home sweet home.  Maybe one day Kauai will be home sweet home.

We love you Kauai!

Til we meet again!