The space between thoughts…

The space between today and tomorrow…

It is called the present….  It is where life happens.   Sometimes the space is peace.  Sometimes the space is joy.  Sometimes it is love.  Sometimes the space feels anything but love. It’s gray.  It’s unbearable.  It’s uncertain.  Nevertheless, it is a space where life happens. 

How do I deal?

With a crazy yoga transition that matches the intensity of the space between my thoughts, my breath, my life…. in transition from today until tomorrow until the end of time.   Enjoy!  Please laugh at me… and laugh at yourself OFTEN…. for this is how you make it through the space between transitions.

Practice and all is coming…. (that includes your life!) 

image: http://weheartit.com/entry/16423860

“We all go through the crisis time Nikki. I’m glad that you’re starting to recognize and learn more about yourself. Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there… To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help figure out who you are, or who you want to become. And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, your strength, will power, or the capacity of your heart.  Moments like these all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be smoothly paved, straight, flat road to no where. Safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The successes and downfalls that you experience create who you are.”

My favorite part:  ”dull and utterly pointless…” the way my life would be without the whirlwind of challenges.  Love you my friend!

Seriously, I don’t hate those people.  Although I wonder if they are alive.. awake.. conscious!  We’re all yogis here and let’s face it… we are expected to up hold a peaceful persona… nothing is suppose to faze us.  

Now take me for example… I am very dedicated to my yoga practice in many ways but sometimes I still feel like shit.  Did I miss something at teacher training?  You know the saying, shit happens.  Well shit still happens regardless of your yogi status.  Life’s woes still exist.  Because I’m a yogi, I’m suppose to get the eff over it?

image: http://www.verylol.com/shit-happens-788

Lately, I’ve been hiding behind my practice.  Instead of coming to the mat to renew and recharge, I came to the mat to escape and deny… the realities of my life… the confusion, the sadness, the pain, the unknown… my world as it seems to have been torn into a million pieces.  Yet I roll out my mat.  I practice.  I kick my own asana.  I get into poses that I’ve been scared of… but with no more fear because it is less scary than the world outside my 6×2 piece of rubber.  I finish with a sense of accomplishment but the moment I roll my mat up, I feel the harsh, insensitive rush of reality bully it’s way back in.  I feel bad… guilty… ashamed that I don’t know how to get the eff over my woes. What kind of yogi am I?  What verse of the yoga sutras should I be reciting?

None people!  No amount of yoga sutras or self help books will authentically help me get over my woes.  I know this isn’t my typical warm fuzzy type post, but if you have woes like I do, I would challenge you to simply stand in them.   You don’t have to stand in your own shit forever, but for some of us, it would surely be helpful to stand in your own shit long enough to smell that it stinks!   I think in that smelly moment is where real yoga starts.  The moment of awareness… for then you won’t have to just get the eff over it.  Instead you can create a new possibility.  Sounds good eh?  I’ll try it on. 

I will start standing in my own shit… starting tomorrow cause look what I was able to accomplish when I escaped my reality… a minute and a half of peace.  I am reminded that my mat is my haven… no matter how I come to practice on it.  For the moment I am on it, I’m connected to the real reality… my body in that present moment.  I love my yoga. 

to laugh histerically

for no reason til you’re red in the face and look absolutely ridiculous.

to speak your  mind.

to tell that be-ach how you really feel.

to hug a stranger.

to question the rules people impose.

to wear no makeup.

to be kind to yourself.

to eat a whole dark chocolate bar with almonds and sea salt all by yourself (it’s really big.. like 6″ x 4″).

then go ahead wash it down with a glass (or two) of red wine.  heck chug the whole bottle.

to whine and cry it out, let it all out.  scream even.

to question the rules you’ve made for yourself.  for others.

to kiss your crush.. randomly.

to dare yourself to do something daring.

to stare into someone’s eyes.  pick someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

to tell someone you really love them.  even if they don’t say it back. 

just for one day, I dare you to be unusually you. 

What are you chicken?  I double dog dare you…

I am just beginning to understand the dept of this saying.  Look at your life.  Ask who and what rules your life?  Rules that other people have created for you?  Guilt?  Fear?  Pain? Previous experiences?

These are all true for me.  People build their whole entire life around avoiding feelings of guilt, fear of losing control, fear of pain, fear of all sorts (you name it, it’s there).   Yes, this inner turmoil is painful, but some how this pain becomes acceptable.  We get so skilled at maneuvering around the unknown that the things that are on the other side of guilt, shame, fear, and past experiences looks far more scary and painful than the internal suffering we’ve choosen to stay in. It’s scary to step outside of this suffering because it could be much worse.  We start to push people away.  We retreat back into that space of uncomfortable comfort.  We hide.  We deny ourselves the possibilities of something new and go back to our old habits.  Mostly we let our mind bully our hearts around.

Take for example, last night during my practice, I told myself I was going to practice my handstands again.  I really didn’t want to.  I was tired, but I let my mind bully me around.  The voice says, “stop being a pansy-ass sassafrass!”  In reality, I just wanted to kick myself in the butt because I’d gladly pay for the external self inflicted pain than to free myself from the psyche of my mind.  I didn’t want to face the internal struggle I’ve been having.  I’ve escaped the reality that was right in front of me.  I paid a price to keep my suffering that now has not only been magnified, but now I’m at war with myself.

How does one break free?  It seems to be a simple choice.  Suffering is optional. 

I’m beginning to learn that if I continue to fight with my human feelings, I cause more self inflicted pain.  So what to do?   I’m learning how to relax… relaxing with all emotions and coming face to face with those ones that make my heart tremble.  Then instead of contracting or avoiding the pain, I watch it.  I make myself available and willing to be present right at the moment my heart tightens and pain and fear rears it’s ugly head. 

This time, instead of paying the price and building my life around it, I am consciously willing to pay the price, and watch it pass. I will be willing at all times, in all circumstances to remain conscious in the face of pain and to work with my heart by relaxing and remaining open.

image credit: brasspetals.com

I’ve seen too many 30 day challenges at yoga studios and have never taken part in them mainly because I have my own home practice and I give myself at least a day off.  Plus, 30 days of non-stop hot power yoga would not be healthy for someone like me who is already much of a “yang” person.  One to two days off is the balance or “yin” that my body needs.   Lately however, I’ve been stuck in a rut with my asana practice.  Between late nights, chores, and subbing a class or two (on top of my already full teaching schedule) each week in October, the only asana I wanted to do was savasana.  Ok even skip savasana and go straight to “plop on the bed” pose.

For November I am challenging myself to 3 different challenges.  The first challenge is to do 30 days of yoga, 5-6 of which will be power yoga and the remainder will be a restorative, yin, or another style of yoga.   The second is to motivate the hubby to join.  He has completely lost his practice and needs to revive it.  The third, the most important, is to have 30 days of gratitude.

While googling for something one day, I stumbled across a 30 days of gratitude challenge and thought it was so timely for November.  I consider myself a pretty grateful person, but sometimes it’s tough to remember the little things I am grateful for especially when my life seems like a tornado in action.. but these are the times that I need to remember it the most!  So here I go!

This is so normal.  We’re afraid to take risks and feel a little, a little burn in the quad.  We’re afraid of crow because we don’t want to fall on our face.  We’re afraid of falling.  Period.  We’re afraid to take risks and laugh out loud because we don’t want other people to laugh at our snorting laugh.  We are afraid to take risks and find happiness because we’re unsure what that is suppose to look like.  Think of everything you do and I am willing to bet that many of the things you do are done because you feared something would happen if you didn’t do that thing.   Consider this:  we are so afraid to take “the” risk that we risk our own happiness and would rather suffer in a low grade misery than put ourselves out on a limb.

Try this.  Practice taking risks on your mat.  What’s the worse that can happen?  Maybe you’ll get a chiseled badonk and now you’ll have a badonkadonk…. what a great side effect, eh?  Ok so what if you fell down and smashed your nose.  It wasn’t that far anyway.  The best thing that will happen is you’ll learn where your edge is for next time.   There’s a saying that the best learning is done when you’ve fallen flat on your face… literally!

A risky situation? Or just a really really good upcroc... err updog assist?

As for me, I’ve been thinking of some major life changes for me that will effect those around me and it scares the crap out of me.  There’s another saying that if you want something so bad, you know you’re gonna get it if gives you goosebumps and raises the hair in places you didn’t even know you had hair.  I think it’s time to get a new razor blade!

Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to others is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing.

The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
they forfeited their freedom.

Only the person who risks can be free.

(-by someone really really wise)

The 108 Sun Salutation Challenge is an opportunity for people to come together to celebrate yoga, each other, and most significantly so celebrate community through giving… giving of our time, giving of our love, giving of our support to charities and organizations that are poised to transform the world by empowering people.

On September 18 – 19, 2010, this challenge will take place across the U.S.  to raise money for four amazing organizations:  Off The Mat Into the World, Yoga for Youth, 4 One World, and my favorite, Africa Yoga Project.

If you are in my area, please come experience this vibration at Studio Rincon in Menlo Park, Saturday, Sept. 18th at 7AM.  The most challenging part of this experience is not in the practice or even in doing 100 or 108 or 200 sun salutations.  The real challenge is saying “YES!”  I will participate. The event is FREE to attend but participants can donate to any of the above charities or support someone else who is fundraising.   You can register or donate to the Menlo Park event’s page.

Why 108? 108 is a sacred number in several eastern cultures/religions.  In brief, a prayer necklace or mala contains 108 beads or stones where each one can represent a prayer or mantra.  It is believed that our soul resides in the our heart center where there are 108 energy channels or Nadis.  When a prayer or mantra is recited 108 times, the energy of the prayer or mantra travels to these channels which in turn radiate out to all parts of the body.  So you can imagine that doing 108 Sun Salutations is a unique opportunity to not only challenge the physical body, but it’s a deep meditative experience. Now imagine a whole group of people flowing together…. the vibration we will create is beyond words!

To explore the meaning of 108 more, check out Cora Wen’s awesome post at Elephant Journal.

Be a YES and join me!!!!